A Twilight Spoof
by bea02
Summary: Oneshot. This is a spoof of Twilight. Disclaimer: Twilight is Meyers, and not mine.


Edward lies down on the bed next to _his_ Bella. She's sleeping, and as usual he is watching-- staring at-- her. Every inch of her; every stir. Her unflawed hair, her unflawed closed eyes, her unflawed arms, her unflawed everything_._ Scary? He doesn't seem to think so. It was love, who gives a sht. "I love you," he says with a smile in his voice.

Just then Bella's eyes slowly opens. She smiles at her man, her perfect Gary-Sue. Her ever _sparkling_ Gary-Sue. Oh how she loves him. "Edward, you're perfect… How can you love me?" she feels so proud of herself for showing such keen scrutiny. Let us all give a yay for Bella!

"No I'm not," Edward speaks softly. Oh the humility. Apparently he doesn't care about all the girls chasing him, all the fan sites currently up on the internet, all the fan girls whom he was apparently currently _'married'_ to.

"What are you talking about? Yes you are." She sighs.

"No I'm not." Go Edward, fish.

_Rinnnnngggg. _Edward's phone rings for the hundredth time, which he only notices now because he is so transfixed with Bella's.. Bella's.. Her... Oh, forget it. Annoyed, he decides to answer it. "Hello?"

"AHHHHH!!!!" a fairly annoying screech from the other line meets his perfect marble-esque ears.

Edward finds this totally odd. "Pardon?"

The girl screeches yet again, actually formulating words that make sense, this time. Or do the words actually make sense? "I LOVE YOU EDWARDDDDD," then she screeches again. "AHHHHHHHHHH"

Edward decides that the girl is crazy and puts the phone down to see Bella looking at him with a _that's-exactly-what-I'm-talking-about look_…

_RIIINNNNGGGGGG_ The phone rings again. It gets more and more annoying. _Rinnnggg Rinnggg Rinnggg… SMASH. _Edward gives a light tap on the phone and bam! The phone is reduced to a thin paper-like material.

Bella marvels at her man's strength and almost drools, but stops herself before anyone else could think badly of her. (being unflawed and all)

"What?" he says with a smile in his voice. again.

"So strong…" She stares in amazement.

Edward laughs his totally hypnotizing laugh, which sounds like a choir of angels singing Alleluia. It is yet again perfect and not even worthy of comparison.

She snaps out of it. "Why do you love me? Really? You're perfect! I know I'm flawless but.. I… I… trip and stuff!" Clumsiness, thy name is Bella Swan.

Edward thinks... for a really long time. I mean a really, _really_ long time. "…because you smell nice." He says with a smile in his voice— yet again.

… and they remember how they fell in love with each other within a week. It was positively awful. It took them almost an _eternity, _when it should have only been a day.

"I can't stay away from you. You know that."

"I don't want you to stay away from me. You're *Insert fangirl-y Edward adjectives of perfection here*"

Edward's smile turns into a scowl. "I'm a monster!"

Bella contemplates on the thought. "I don't care… I never care. You're still perfect," she shrugs and kisses his rock hard lips.

**Morning comes**

 They drive to school in Edward's totally hot and expensive new car... but, what's this? Bella gets a cut on her finger while changing the radio station. Dear me, what a horrid event. Blood now trickles from her pale finger to her pale wrist.

"Be careful…" Edward says, suppressing the urge to lick and suck her girlfriend's blood-stricken hand.

"I don't have to be careful." Bella shrugs. "I never die anyway."

A bike soon comes into view. It's Jacob. He is ever so big and muscular. Too bad Bella already has Edward. "Hello Bells!"

"Jake!"

Then Edward glowers at him and swiftly— and I mean as fast as the speed of light— comes between them.

Bella is his! No one else's. Just his. Or else he'll go all vampire-y on thou stealer. How? He shall sparkle you all until blindness! Fear the sparkle of his sparkly muscular body!

"Chill! I came to tell you that I am over Bella here," he rolls his eyes.

Edward glowers at him. He reads the werewolf's mind. I will take the opportunity here to describe once again how perfect this marble-esque vampire is_._

_Extremely perfect_. Thank you.

_She's yours Edward. Good luck with that, _thinks Jacob.

Edward relaxes. "Thanks…" his glower turns into a heart-stopping smile.

Bella's thoughts go haywire! What? This can't be! Jake is over her! No more will he bask in her glory! No more will he hang on to her every word. No more will he make her feel better again when Edward deserts and makes her go crazy and mentally unstable! Nooooo!

"Bella? You okay?" Jacob asks.

"Uhhh… yeah. I'm fine," she smiles and grabs a granola bar from her bag. _Ahh… Granola bars, how I love thee_, she says to herself.

"Alright. Bye," and just like that the gigantic boy is out of eye shot.

As they are walking, Bella suddenly trips. Again. Good thing Edward is there. With his speed, he is able to catch our leading lady, Bella, here. "Thank you Edward. For saving me for the one million and fifteenth time," she grins.

"No problem, I was made to protect you." and they walk off to school. Not knowing Bella would soon trip again— but that's another story.


End file.
